A few weeks ago I went to see a councillor to discuss our situation and to assess how I am coping. To be honest I find it really awkward to talk about my feelings, and this appointment really made me uncomfortable but I am glad I went. It was really helpful to get out my feelings and also have a good cry since I haven’t cried since we found out at 12 weeks that our baby had an omph. It was reassuring to know that the anxieties and nervousness I feel are not abnormal for the situation we are in, and that in the eyes of a professional my way of dealing with my feelings – mainly pushing them aside on favour of facts and scenario planning – is a good coping mechanism for me. Sometimes I think maybe I am in some way weird or different because I am not really into talking about my feelings, but everyone is different. I am not weird, I am just emotionally reserved. Both my husband and I are like that actually. We show our love by planning out things, helping out and otherwise being hands on dealing with the situation. I am still trying to reassure myself that this is ok in a world where you see that type of personality made light of or joked about.
Anyway one thing that the councillor picked up on when we discussed a potential stay in Edmonton or our support system here in Calgary is that I have a tendency to feel worried about putting people out, or the inability to ask for help. She mentioned that through this and especially for the next year it is ok for me to be selfish. My homework for the next couple of months is to approach friends and family to ask for help in very specific ways so that they can act on it.
I have been having some issues with tackling this homework. As a mom who puts her kid in daycare on her days off so she can watch tv on the couch in peace I think I am adequately selfish. I have no problem asking dear husband not only to do things for me, but also in the way I want them to be done. But somehow it feels awkward and tacky to ask for anything from people not in my immediate family, which of course puts a lot of burden on the only other adult in this family unit. I also think part of it is that I am a control freak. How can I have things the way I want it if I’m not controlling it or doing it all?
But she is right, our little bundle and her little bundle is coming in March, and she will be at the children’s hospital for at least a month. I will have just gone through surgery and will need to be in hospital myself. I have amazing friends and family and I need to learn to ask for what we need most and not feel awkward about it.
I’m just not quite ready yet.