I am writing this at 8am mountain time. This time in exactly one week I will be checking into the hospital for my scheduled c section and we will finally meet our little baby that we have talked about, fretted over and anxiously waited for for 9 months. Everyone start thinking of “Final Countdown” playing in the background.
Tomorrow is our last antenatal appointment. They won’t be doing an ultrasound, just checking my blood pressure. On Monday we go to a c-section information session and get bloodwork done. After that, we will just be heading to our section.
There are a lot of emotions that I will be going through in one week. I am going to try to put them down here now so that I can let them go and not be overwhelmed by them on the day of.
– I have some unreasonable anxiety about the c section itself. What if I have a bad reaction to the anesthetics? What if I bleed to death, what if something goes wrong? I also get queasy thinking about feeling the pressure of the actual procedure. When I think rationally about it I can see that c sections, although still considered major surgery, are routine. However I have to remember to breathe through my nose and slow my breathing down to not go into a panic attack. Our therapist said that during the time I may be able to ask the anesthesiologist for some of the special drugs…hook me up doc!
– I am so excited to meet baby. I have been saying all pregnancy that this little one looks like Addison in her ultrasound pictures. I can’t wait to see if this is true. I also can’t wait to hear her cry, see her little face, touch her little hands. I so want to have a little bit of cuddling time and hopefully we will get a chance but I think that we probably won’t. I wish I could say that this is my dominant emotion, and sometimes it is. But there are times that it’s not, and that makes me feel guilty. This is partially the reason why I am done with this waiting period. I just really need to get on with the doing part.
– I am going to be extremely nervous to hear little baby’s first cry, and then listen to all the conversation about her to find out her condition. Did her omph stay in tact? Is she breathing ok? Is her heart ok? Does she show signs of BWS? What if I have some sort of irrational rejection of my child? I am really hoping everything goes well and feel the flood of relief when they do.
– I am going to feel overwhelmed with the football team in the delivery room with me. Well I probably won’t because of all the other overwhelming feelings to deal with. I remember when Addison came, I was lying on the floor, losing my mind, not wearing any pants and with blood everywhere. There were 4 firemen in full on fire fighting PPE all standing around me staring. I laugh now at how embarrassing that was. But during the time I could have cared less. All I could think of was “help me! I think I’m dying!” I think this fully packed OR will be similar. There will be too many things for me to worry about to think about the 15 odd people in the room. Again, hook me up with the good stuff doc!
– I think I am going to feel lost and lonely when they take me to recovery and hubby follows baby to NICU for stabilization. I had decided long ago that my husband has to go with baby. I want her to have to be alone with strangers as little as possible. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be sad and anxious. My husband has put a bunch of movies and books (thanks for the recommendations everyone) on my iPad so hopefully I can get some rest and if not, be distracted enough to not feel overwhelmed.
– I am probably going to be hangry. I am not allowed to eat, drink or even chew gum for 12 hours prior to my c section. Anyone who knows me knows that I can’t go for 2 hours without eating or drinking something. I wonder if I’m allowed to brush my teeth. Luckily I have a 9am c section so I can be asleep for most of the no eating time.
As I sit here looking at this list of emotions and thinking of all the emotions that I probably haven’t thought of yet, I am overwhelmed that this will all happen within two hours of my surgery. But writing it down and thinking through it has helped me calm down. I may add to this list in the next week if I think of anything else, and I am going to review this list each time I feel overwhelmed. Hopefully this will help get us to next week with our minds in tact so that I am well rested enough to get through this critical step.
In the meantime , these are my emotions right now: