I would like to use a stronger storm word that begins with an S but I am a mother of two now and I am classy like that.  So I won’t.  Snowstorm seems suitable anyway as I live in Calgary and after a week of balmy 20+ degree weather they are forecasting snow for the weekend.

I am writing this on the way home from visiting my grandma.  It took basically all day before I even was able to visit her because she was moved from emerg to hospice.  It was incredibly emotional, and I miss everyone already.  

My trip was cut short with a couple of more and more alarming text messages from my husband.  Isabelle isn’t eating.  Isabelle had diarrhea.  Isabelle threw up.  Isabelle threw up bile.  He is taking Isabelle to the hospital.  So after a quick goodbye, and a huge rush to and through the airport I am on a flight 2 hours earlier than the one that I had booked this morning. The last message I got from my husband before I turned my phone to airplane mode was “bile can indicate intestine blockages too”.  

There hasn’t been many days where I feel as useless as I do right now typing this blog post.  I am useless as a mother, I am useless as a grand daughter, daughter, sibling, niece, cousin.  I am trying really hard not to beat myself up for how things have gone down today.  I did the best that I could in a really snowy situation, but as I sit here, literally neither here nor there, I feel utterly, heart breakingly useless.  I’m not in Calgary taking care of my youngest.  I’m not there comforting my eldest.  I’m not in Vancouver with my family, with my grandmother who helped raise me.  

I really don’t think this one hour flight can be any longer.  When Addison was about 10 months old, we flew to Vancouver on a last minute flight and Addison and I had to share a middle seat.  Addison was playing a game with her snack cup with the man beside us only she enjoyed.  At that time I though that flight was the longest one hour flight I had ever been on.  But now I realize that chaos and action makes time fly.  Waiting and thinking makes time stand still.  For me the waiting really makes my mind race right into really dark places.  While I was pregnant, one of the things I worked on was trying to separate the unnecessary anxieties from the critical ones.  I worked on trying to differentiate the anxieties I can do something about and let go the ones I can’t.  Today I feel like all the anxieties are critical but that there is nothing I can do about any of it.  And sitting here on this flight is not helping.  I just need to get home to my baby.  

Oh – and my water bottle spilled all inside my purse.


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