Mom torture 

So here I am waiting for the next round of x-rays as part of Izzy’s Upper GI and lower GI follow through study.  This study can take up to 4 hours.  Izzy hasn’t eaten since 10 last night.  Oh and she’s teething.  Mercifully she’s passed out and is taking a snooze.  

So here is an update – Izzy is still under weight. Nothing alarming yet but after a rallying increase she started having bouts of vommiting that comes and goes.  To try to increase her weight Izzy gets to have as many milkshakes and protein shakes as she wants.  Also, body builder cookies.  Yes that’s what they are called.  

Furthermore, we have been trying different things over the last month to stop her from throwing up everything she eats.  First we thought it was car seat related because she threw up every morning the moment we strapped her in the car seat.  (Note to car seat manufacturers: what the actual fuck.  Why are car seats the world’s most pain in the ass things to clean?! ) We stopped using her little shell because most likely she had grown out of it. That seemed to work for … A week.  Then we thought maybe it’s cuz she is sick and we took her to the doctor and they gave her anti biotics for her cough.  The doc thought maybe it is a post nasal drip that is running into the back of her throat and causing her to throw up.  By this point she has had regular throw ups on and off for about a month, and she had lost 1 lb.  normally 1 lb is whatever, could be measurement error.  But for a baby that is already underweight, this was a cause for concern.  So we were told to put her on pediasure and also make her more high calorie foods.  But the round of antibiotics has not made her stop vomitting.  At the last visit to the dietician, she suggested may Izzy just caught 3 separate bouts of gastro.  But the pediatrician isn’t so sure.  He thinks maybe we need to up our omeprazole dosage because the vommiting is mostly in the morning.  He also suggested we do an upper GI and lower follow through study to see if they can figure out what is going on with her system.  And so here we are.

She knows what’s coming

The study is basically mom torture.  First, they aren’t allowed to eat for 6 hours before the study.  When you get there, they strap baby to a board and make them drink a barium drink while they snap X-rays.  As the mom you are basically helping the x-Ray techs manipulate your baby while she screams bloody murder.  “Hey mom can you help us do the exact thing your baby doesn’t want you to do?” “You hold her down while I force this liquid down her throat”.  After the initial pictures, they get you to wait for half an hour and then strap her back onto the board to snap an x-Ray to see how far the barium has travelled.  And then they repeat this every so often until the barium has travelled through to her butt.  The barium helps highlight the internal GI structures so the first shots while she is drinking the solution will show how her esophagus works and to highlight her stomach.  The second part goes through the small and large intestines. Understandably, Izzy hated this.  Don’t worry she let us know.  This was done in the radiology department at the children’s hospital.  Everyone that works there are amazing.  Every child that goes through there needs an x-Ray, an MRI, a barium test.  The babies have to be strapped to boards or put into tubes.  While there all I heard were crying babies.  My nerves were shot just by my one little baby and yet here these people are day in and day out.  So amazing and strong.

I was really not looking forward to this appointment.  Isabelle has been teething and generally miserable.  She also is hangrey in the morning.  This weekend has been pretty trying with the girls, both just in general bad moods.  The thought of a 6 hour appointment where there is basically a guarantee that Isabelle would be in a bad mood just exhausted me before we even got there. I was trying to think of a way to send the hubster instead of going myself.  But during the appointment, my heart broke.  Every cry was an accusation that I was putting her in this situation, every look a plea for comfort.  I felt so guilty I even once thought that this would be annoying instead of just rising to the challenge of being there for my baby.  I go back and forth with these feelings.  One minute I can’t wait to go to work because I can’t spend another day listening to the kids cry, and the next I feel like I’ve let them down because I am never there. 

I think this the real mom torture, the torture we put ourselves through.  The guilt of not being enough.  The guilt of not loving enough.  The guilt when we feel run down by the regular struggle of being a parent.  But why do we feel this way? We are humans with human feelings and doing our best, yet we still try to be super human and become disappointed in ourselves when we prove again we are just human.  I don’t think that this is necessarily a mom thing but I do think that being a mom makes the feelings more acute and that it feels like there is so much to lose.  But if we don’t treat ourselves gently, who else will?  I’m not saying that from now on I won’t torture myself anymore (obviously not because how many “treat ourselves gently” posts have I written?), I am not that niave to believe that.  But dammit, today was hard.  And it was ok that it was hard, and yet I am doing it.  I AM super human.  We all are. Lots of love to you all. ❤️



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